I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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