Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
