How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
