My underwear smells like fireworks.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
