You smell like stripper and shame
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
