dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
