I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize