How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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