sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Holy shit dude........stairs
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
