My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
