did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
