As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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