i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
