im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
