You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
