Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
