I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
