Hey man sorry I got all grabby
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
