I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I think weed is turning my hair brown
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
