Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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