the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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