Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
PANTIES FOUND
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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