um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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