i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
