life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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