I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
