i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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