seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
