I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
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