You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
