its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
