I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize