Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
