Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
