she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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