How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
