I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
