and my herpes radar will keep us safe
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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