Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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