I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
