You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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