she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize