Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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