im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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