why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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