I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dignity is for republicans.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
