I think my vagina is haunted
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
