i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
