my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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