You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
