I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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