There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
