I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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