you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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