Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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