Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
