She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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