Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
